My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
