awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
