UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
