The police scanner is talking about you again....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
