I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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