i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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