don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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