Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
