I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
