so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
