I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
