So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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