I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize