How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
