so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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