She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.