U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.