hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home