If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
