I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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