did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
