dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
