Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am spending my child support on dildos
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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