well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
