I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
