I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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