What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
