Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
