The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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