I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
