The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
