my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
