So drunk its hurt
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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