She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
