omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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