You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
