if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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