I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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