I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
