if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
