every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
