Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
why is half of my head shaved?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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