so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
