Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
