quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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