how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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