There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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