1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
