my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
