Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
