i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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