Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
