I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
