I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
