just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
