I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
