How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
