First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
