He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
