Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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