i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
