My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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