They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
